


In Pieces

by junipernapalm



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Drama, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-11
Updated: 2015-05-11
Packaged: 2018-03-30 01:20:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3917893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junipernapalm/pseuds/junipernapalm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything is a lie with Jean Kirstein, and he keeps many secrets- one of which is that he is a titan shifter with a mission to destroy humanity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Pieces

**Author's Note:**

> This goes out to -everyonedies- on tumblr who came up with this prompt. I decided run with it since it was too good not to use.

_My name is Jean Kirstein. I am from Trost. I have a mother, a father and a younger sister._

_My name is Jean Kirstein. I am from Trost. I have a mother ~~, a father and a younger sister.~~_

_My name is Jean Kirstein. I am from Trost. ~~I have a mother.~~_

_My name is Jean Kirstein. ~~I am from Trost.~~ _

_My name is Jean Kirstein._

 

Everyone asks Jean if he knows how his family is doing after the battle of Trost. He shakes his head and hopes his face is grave enough to express the seriousness he needs. He tries to regurgitate the memories from when this actually happened and imitate the desperation of not knowing the fate of his family, but those memories are buried underneath the stories and strange personalities he’s built up. Technically, Jean isn’t lying. This did happen, and he did feel lost. He still feels lost.

Jean puts on the oilcloth gloves and starts to work on the cleaning effort. While the smell of burnt houses, titan vomit, and corpses makes most people gag, Jean fakes his horror because the reality is that the scent is almost nostalgic for him in a disgusting way. He is taken to the village he actually was raised in. The thoughts of this childhood wrap him up and leave Jean with the reminder that he is nothing but a lie and contradiction.

Most of the soldiers are too numb from previous slaughters to even shed a solemn tear for the dead. They are survivors who know better. This cleanup isn’t meant to remove the dead from existence as much as it is an attempt to get civilians back to their routines and not let the despair overwhelm them. Jean assists the counting and removal of bodies. The first couple bodies are two men from the Garrison that a member from their squad easily identifies despite how mangled beyond recognition their bodies are. Jean wonders how hard it is for people like that person. They know these people better than anyone else, and here they are living with the strange memories of the recent dead- not that people aren’t unfamiliar with death in this word. Everyone experiences it here, but new deaths always feel strange to Jean.

Someone clears their throat and brings Jean back to his job. He tries to search for another body to add to the back of the wagon where the other bodies lay. There, he sees a body slumped against the wall. Jean’s eyes widen as they fall upon the already decaying body of Marco Bott. No sound escapes Jean’s mouth, and his mind trying to piece together this reality. The memories of their time in training flood into him as if they’re trying to cover up the dead body in front of him. He wants to recall the last moments they had together. He wants to believe that Marco probably told him to be safe, but hidden beneath that made up memory is a much more horrifying truth. Jean knows how Marco died, and he’s ashamed of it. One of the squad leaders asks for Marco’s information as if nothing that Jean is thinking has anything to deal with the situation. He gives Marco’s name and squad number, but he leaves the squad leader in hopes that he will forget what he really knows.

There’s a tap on Jean’s shoulder. He turns around and is only mildly surprised by Bertolt Hoover’s presence. Bertolt lowers his bandana from his face. He doesn’t say anything, which leads Jean to believe that Bertolt just wanted to a break from breathing through the dirty rags that somehow were keeping them safe from the titan stench. Bertolt gnaws the inside of his cheek a little before coughing.

“Someone said we needed to head out to one of the streets to clean up there. You know where it is,” Bertolt says with just enough of a lilt to almost make that statement seem more like a question.

The answer to Bertolt is a curt nod from Jean and wave on for Bertolt and the other cadets to follow him. Bertolt slides beside Jean and places a crumbled note into Jean’s hand. Jean quickly glances at the note and ducks out of the way. He takes his time through the winding alleyways before he sees Annie, Bertolt, and Reiner leaning on the buildings and ignoring each other as if this meeting is something that no one wants to be a part of.

“Hey…” Jean says.

Annie tosses her head and stares down Bertolt to make him speak for her.

“We need to go over the plans again,” Bertolt says.

“I got that damn 3DMG for Annie. What more do you need?” Jean says.

“It’s perfect, Jean. No one is complaining,” Reiner says.

“Stop wasting our time and get to the point,” Annie says.

Bertolt sighs and kicks the dirt around before answering Annie, “We need to figure out how we are to split up. We need to keep an eye on target, but we also need to lure them. We need someone who can fight but understands that they might be caught and killed.”

No one looks at each other because no one really wants to say yes. They’re still human enough that death is still frightening.

“I’ll do it. I’m going through with my mission either way,” Annie says.

“Fine, then Reiner and I will join the Survey Corps to draw off any suspicions. Jean, you get to make your own choice. Your mission goes on regardless of choice,” Bertolt says.

“I think we’re finished here,” Annie says as she starts to leave. Jean shrugs. She’s never been much for meetings. He knows that Annie has memorized every little thing she needs to do for the mission. Meetings are pointless for her. Jean is under the impression that they’re meant for him, more than anything.

Reiner hightails it out for the cleanup. He mentions something about not wanting to get in trouble before the choosing ceremony- as if missing part of cleanup will change his ranking. Even still, the ranking is moot at this point for Reiner and Bertolt. Jean just needs to make his decision about whether to stick with Annie or Reiner and Bertolt. He knows that if he goes to the Military Police that people might bother him about Annie, and he doesn’t want to let slip that he knows more about Annie than most people will ever know. But he also doesn’t feel comfortable letting Annie go on without a handler or someone to provide some help on her mission- even though he is unsure if that will mean he will make it out alive. In all honesty, he prefers Reiner and Bertolt’s company. Bertolt easily covers up for Jean’s missteps in his cover story, and Reiner never fails to pick Jean up when he isn’t sure about himself.

“I could use a little help with Reiner,” Bertolt says.

“You knew what I was thinking. Didn’t you?” Jean says.

Bertolt rolls his eyes and takes a hold of Jean’s shoulders.

“I’ve known you for the longest. I’ve picked up on some things,” Bertolt says.

Bertolt grins and tugs on Jean’s sleeve. He always does this when he wants to just talk with Jean. No distractions. No Reiner. Just the two them. Jean understands that this is a privilege, to really delve into the mind of Bertolt Hoover and to see him as he wants to be seen. They’ve known each other since Jean first came to their little village, back when Marcel was still alive. They have been close friends since then, but these days have been hard on Bertolt and Jean. They have pretended to be nothing but acquaintances when they were always together as children. These moments alone feel like the nicest reprieves from the alternate selves.

“I don’t blame you if you go with Annie. But at the same time, Reiner has me worried,” Bertolt says.

“I am and am not worried about Annie. For the sake of the mission, it’s probably best that I not be near her. I doubt many people are going to go to the Military Police, and people there will ask about her. You know that. I’d rather throw my chances with you guys and the titans than let my cover be blown,” Jean says.

“Then you’ve made your decision. About that 3DMG you gave Annie, that was Marco’s. Wasn’t it?”

“Yeah. What of it?”

“What happened?”

Jean stops and shrugs. He wants to tell someone, but the less that is said seems better to Jean.

“I can’t at this moment.” Jean says.

“I see. Sorry, I just worry about us. I know I’ve told you this before, but Reiner forgets,” Bertolt says.

“Yeah, and Annie doesn’t really say anything to us. But I don’t think you need to worry about me. I’ve got it covered. You know me. Mr. Responsible. Always saving someone’s ass.”

Bertolt snorts and starts to laugh to himself. He doesn’t laugh much these days, and that bothers Jean. He misses Bertolt’s laugh. He misses everything about being young and carefree- even though his and Bertolt’s childhood was still rocky and full of adult responsibility.

The yelling in distance brings the laughter to a close. Bertolt and Jean nod at each other and make their way back to the clean up. Before they leave, Bertolt pulls Jean back.

“I’m always going to worry about you,” Bertolt says before he lets Jean go, leaving Jean in the middle of the alleyway by himself. He isn’t sure if he can really move after hearing those words. They dismantle the mask he needs before he goes to confront everyone. Jean wipes the few tears that he managed to let out before he covers his face with his bandana, where underneath lies a sinister smile.


End file.
